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Earlier this week, I posted about the overlap between Executive Functioning struggles and struggles with socialization. Relationships with peers are crucial to adolescent development, making strong social skills an important part of your child’s growth. Whether your child struggles with social skills because of Executive Functioning, mental health, or other challenges, it is completely possible for them to improve these skills. Especially with support from parents, teens can work on their social skills and improve their relationships with peers if they prioritize their improvement. This blog post outlines some strategies that parents can use to support their teen in developing social skills.
Children learn more from watching us than from what we tell them. This idea becomes especially true in adolescence, when teens become more resistant to direct input from their parents and other adults but still seek guidance and direction. For this reason, one of the most important ways that parents can help their teens develop social skills is to model healthy social behaviors for themselves. Consider both the ways you speak to your peers and about your peers. Do you demonstrate empathy? Do you communicate boundaries and your feelings in a calm, clear manner? Do you show the people in your life you care about them? Modeling these behaviors is essential in demonstrating to your teen the behaviors they should strive for.
There is perhaps no more important aspect of modeling good social skills than your modeling of conflict resolution. When you are frustrated or facing a conflict, do you remain calm? Are you able to communicate your feelings and needs clearly? Perhaps more importantly, are you able to truly hear the other person? A great way to demonstrate empathy and meeting the other person’s needs is to repeat their needs back to them. For example, if your spouse shares that they are frustrated that you forgot to bring the trash to the curb two weeks in a row, you can repeat back to them, “I hear that you’re frustrated that I forgot about the trash,” before explaining action steps for improving in the future. Showing your teen that conflicts should always be resolved calmly and with empathy will help them replicate that behavior in their own life.
A great way to both model good social skills and support your child in practicing them is to have a good meal time routine with your family. Depending on the family schedule, this might be a breakfast, a once per week dinner, or perhaps dinner every night. Whatever the time that works for your family, the goal should be to have focused, meaningful time together. Ask all individuals to keep devices away during the meal so that everyone can be focused on the people in the room. Ask each other about their day, what struggles they’re having, and any wins they’ve had lately. Be very intentional during this time to model polite conversation, interest in others’ experiences, and empathy. Meal times with family are such a comfortable, low-pressure place to practice these skills, and being intentional about modeling and practicing skills such as active listening and empathy will help your child grow their social skills.
TV shows, movies, anime, and other forms of media are full of both healthy and unhealthy peer relationships. Because teens tend to be very interested in the media they consume, it can be a wonderful launching point for talking about social skills. The first step is to watch the shows your teen likes with them. Yes, this might mean spending an hour watching a show you hate or don’t understand. While you watch, though, look for examples of both positive and negative social interactions. After the show, you can ask your teen for their thoughts on a specific interaction. For example, “What did you think about Blair’s response to Jenny sneaking into her party?”
These types of conversations are a great opportunity to unpack social interactions and help guide your teen to understand the difference between positive and negative social skills. You can point out how a character made another character feel, how their interactions affected others, and what types of thoughts might have been going through the character’s head during the interaction. The more your child can understand and unpack social dynamics, the better they will become at having their own positive interactions with peers. Using media they already enjoy is a low-pressure and fun way to help your child practice unpacking these interactions.
Interacting with service workers such as servers at restaurants, cashiers, and sales associates is a great way to help them practice their social skills. For many teens who have anxiety around social interactions, ordering at a restaurant or asking for help finding an item at a store seems completely overwhelming. However, the reality is that people who work in customer service are more likely than anyone else to respond politely and kindly to someone asking for help because it’s their job. The more your child can practice talking to strangers and practicing making small talk, saying please and thank you, and asking for what they need, the more their social skills will improve. Talking with strangers will help your teen develop confidence and politeness around their social interactions and interacting with customer service workers is the easiest way to get that practice.
Related to the tip above, working in customer service is a great way to build social skills. These types of jobs require frequent polite social interactions with others, but it is in a highly structured environment with predetermined responses and talking points. A customer service job will allow your child to frequently practice interacting with a diverse group of people, including practicing polite responses to less than polite customers, working through problems and conflicts with others while demonstrating empathy, and making conversation with strangers. They will be able to practice these skills with supports and guidance from a manager and coworkers, which will help them grow their skills and decrease any anxiety around these interactions.
An essential part of building any type of skill is introspection. Without reflecting on past experiences, we are not able to learn from them in order to improve in the future. For this reason, helping your child to reflect on experiences they have with peers will help them build their social skills. While you might want to focus on the negative experiences, even the positive ones have a lot of value. Ask your child about things they’re doing with their friends and peers. Build their empathy muscle by asking, “How do you think they felt in that situation?” and “What do you think they were thinking when they said that?” Ask your child to reflect on their own behaviors and experiences with questions like “How did that make you feel?” and “Did you like the way you responded?” Validating positive interactions with peers and unpacking the negative ones will help your child better understand social interactions and help them build their social skills.
Most people including children, teens, and adults, as well as those with ADHD, those with anxiety, and neurotypical folks can all improve their social skills because no one is perfect. A great way to help your teen build their social skills is to work on your own and ask your teen to be along for the journey. In this case, it will be up to you to determine what format will engage your teen. Perhaps they’re open to watching youtube videos with you, or maybe even reading a book about social skills. Maybe they don’t want to consume the educational content, but they are willing to discuss what you learned with you. Perhaps you want to practice a new strategy you learned in a book and you ask your teen for help. The best method for you is the one that your teen is willing to participate in. In all cases, showing your own vulnerability and willingness to grow will help your teen be more open to learning, and they will be able to take in the information more readily when it doesn’t feel like the focus is on them or their deficits.
Executive Functioning challenges can have a big impact on your child’s social skills. While many people think of executive functioning coaching as something focused on academics or a future career, YA Success Coach really prioritizes the whole individual, wanting each child to be the best version of themselves. Coaching involves setting individualized goals that represent the most important growth areas for your child, then developing systems that will support your child’s unique needs. While parent support is essential in supporting the development of these skills, sometimes a professional is necessary to provide an extra push. If you’re interested in learning more about Executive Functioning coaching, contact me today.
Having a conversation is the first step to helping your child realize their full potential and set them up for success!