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Managing conflict with teenagers is extremely difficult. Teens feel all of their emotions so deeply, and their empathy has not developed as fully as that of a grown adult. This combination can often lead to fiery conflicts and frustrating arguments that result in feelings of overwhelm or hopelessness on both sides. While managing conflict with teens can be difficult, it is far from impossible. There are many different strategies that can help make conversations with your teen more productive and solutions-oriented. This post outlines some specific tips that parents can use next time they are navigating a conflict with their teen.
The most important thing to remember when managing a conflict with your teen is to remain calm, no matter how frustrated or upset your teen might be. It is essential to maintain a level head during these conflicts and ensure that you do not exacerbate your teen’s feelings with your own. If you’re not in a headspace to keep calm at the moment, it’s better to step away and revisit the conversation later than to proceed with a frustrated or angry mindset.
Related to the above tip, there are a few signs that it is time to step away from a conflict and revisit it later. One warning sign is that you yourself cannot remain calm. Another sign is that your teen’s behaviors are escalating rather than calming down over time. If they are becoming increasingly angry, violent, or loud, it’s best to take space away before revisiting the conversation. On the other hand, if your teen completely shuts down and is no longer willing to speak, continuing the conversation will not result in a productive solution. Finally, if the conversation has been going in circles and you feel like neither side is making progress, take time away from the problem and revisit it when you’ve both had time to reflect.
When discussing a conflict with your teen, it’s essential to listen closely and ensure your body language indicates that you are listening. Make eye contact, nod your head, and respond when appropriate. Listen not only to the words that they are saying, but also to the feelings they are expressing. When your teen is upset, your goal is to figure out the “why” behind their behavior, even when they cannot clearly articulate it. Listening carefully to what they say and how they say it is the best way to gather this information.
Another great way to remain an active listener and to remind your teen that you are on the same team is to rephrase and repeat what they say. If they share their thoughts with you, respond with “what I’m hearing is,” followed by your own rephrase of what they just said. Then ask them, “do I have that right?” and offer them a chance to clarify any details you may have misunderstood. This action allows your teen to feel heard and like what they’re saying to you matters. Inviting them to respond to or correct your rephrasing also helps empower your teen to feel more control in the situation.
Teenagers have a lot of emotions and often times events that seem minor to adults have a huge impact on teens’ lives. For this reason, it’s essential to validate a teen’s emotions during a conflict, even if you feel like they’re overreacting. If they share that something bothered them, validating their feelings can be as easy as sharing “I can see why that’s frustrating” or “it totally makes sense to feel that way.” When a teen feels like you are validating their emotions, they will be much more likely to work with you on resolving a conflict.
One of the cornerstones of Adolescent development is an intense desire for independence. For this reason, the worst thing you can do to a teen is to remove their choices and ability to exercise their independence. When navigating a conflict, it can be tempting to revert to an “all or nothing” mindset. However, lean into the idea of providing choices for your teen so they do not feel trapped.
For example, if you have asked your teen several times to put their phone away and work on homework and they are refusing, it can be helpful to provide an alternative choice to avoid making them feel like they’re being forced to do something. You might say, “if you won’t do your homework now, can you give me a specific time you’re willing to commit to doing your homework? Otherwise, I need you to do it now.” In this scenario, your teen now feels some autonomy over their choices, but the desired end result is still reached. If you feel that their behavior warrants a consequence, you might try something like, “I would like you to put your phone in the drawer and do your homework now. Your other option is to keep texting now and give me your phone tomorrow for the whole day.” No matter what the situation is, it’s essential to make your teen feel like they have choices to avoid escalating the conflict further by making them feel cornered.
Remembering that you are on the same team is an essential part of navigating conflict with your teen. Reminding your teen that you are on the same team is an equally important aspect. Even when you are frustrated with one another, it’s important to remember that the two of you are working together to solve the conflict, not against one another. You can remind your teen that you are on the same side by asking them how “we” can solve the problem together, rather than what “I” can do and what “you” can do. Asking your teen what they need from you to reach the desired outcome can be another supportive way to remind your teen that you are on the same side. Avoid assigning blame during conflicts and instead lead into problem solving together.
When it feels like you’re making progress navigating a conflict, it can be difficult to know when the conversation is really finished. A great way to wrap up this type of conversation is to make commitments to each other and repeat them. For example, if you were arguing with your teen about homework completion, you can ask them what they need from you to help get it done. If their request from you is one reminder and then to give them space, you can respond by asking them to commit to doing their homework after the first reminder. When you’re ready to end the conversation, you should repeat your commitments to each other and ask each other if you agree to these commitments. Once you’ve both agreed, it is a good time to exit the conversation.
After dealing with a conflict with your teen, a follow-up conversation is essential to model good conflict resolution skills, ensure that there is no lingering emotional charge, and provide a final space to share any remaining thoughts. Depending on the severity of the conflict, your follow-up conversation might occur hours, days, or weeks after the fact. You can use your best judgment to determine what’s right for the situation, but approach your teen and tell them, “I wanted to see if there was anything else you wanted to share from your conversation last week.” You can recap the conversation with a few details and share with them how they’re feeling. Invite them to share how they feel about it, if they still agree to whatever commitments you made, and if there’s anything else that they didn’t get a chance to say. Having a follow-up conversation is the best way to reduce the likelihood of a future conflict about the same problem.
Parenting a teen can be challenging, and if your child has ADHD, Executive Functioning challenges, or trouble managing conflict, it can be even harder. YA Success Coaching offers coaching for parents on navigating these moments, providing parents with strategies to support their child’s development of their Executive Functions and independence. We offer twice per month meetings to learn about your child’s unique needs and provide actionable solutions to help strengthen your relationship and allow your child to feel both supported and respected. Contact me today to learn more!
Having a conversation is the first step to helping your child realize their full potential and set them up for success!