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The social experience is essential to child development, with peers becoming the single most important influence on development when a child reaches adolescence. For this reason, we all know that development of social skills and the ability to make friends are important for a child’s growth. However, many children with ADHD and other Executive Functioning difficulties struggle to make friends and can be rejected by their peers, despite being extremely enthusiastic and caring individuals. Why? There is huge overlap between Executive Functioning skills and social skills, meaning those who struggle with one often struggle with the other. This blog explores each of the 11 Executive Functioning skills listed in Peg Dawson and Richard Guare’s Smart But Scattered and how they relate to social skills.
Response Inhibition is essentially the ability to think before you act. It’s the ability to think about what you’re about to do and choose to do that action or choose not to do it. When a child struggles with response inhibition, they might say or do something that upsets a peer because they do not consider how their peer might feel if they perform this action. When asked, your child may or may not be able to explain how a peer might feel in that situation, but in the moment, they are unable to consider this response and change their actions because of it.
Working memory is the ability to remember information, to hold this information while performing complex tasks, and to be able to draw on memories to inform actions while performing tasks. If your child struggles with working memory, it can create a few different social struggles. Consider this: Sarah tells John that she hates getting wet because she feels self-conscious about the way her natural hair looks. A week later, the two of them are at a birthday party and there is a water balloon fight. John is having a great time running around throwing water balloons. He wants to include his friend Sarah in the fun and throws a water balloon at her, getting her hair wet. In the heat of the moment, John did not remember what Sarah had shared with him. However, to Sarah, it feels like John ignored her feelings and did not care about the personal information she shared.
This type of occurrence can be common for those who struggle with working memory, and it can lead to the appearance of lack of empathy, compassion, or care. However, children with ADHD and others who struggle with working memory are often very compassionate and care deeply about their friends. However, this impression can often lead to difficulty in maintaining friendships with others.
Emotional control involves the ability to manage one’s emotions and both control and direct one’s behavior because of or in spite of one’s emotions. When individuals struggle with emotional control, maintaining relationships can be difficult. If a child struggles to control their anger, their peers might have difficulty spending time with them or connecting with them for fear of an angry outburst. However, other struggles with emotional control can also pose difficulties. Because all children and teens are still learning to understand their emotions, it can be difficult for them to understand or connect to an emotional response different than the one they themselves might have. When children and teens have difficulty understanding each other’s responses to different situations, it can be difficult to connect.
In Executive Functioning, flexibility is essentially adaptability in changing conditions. It is the ability to revise plans and actions in the face of obstacles, new information, or mistakes. When children struggle with flexibility, it can be difficult to maintain connections with others because changes to conditions might upset them. Consider this: Maria has been looking forward to her birthday party for the past month because it is a pool party and she has just learned to dive. She’s excited to show off her diving skills to all of her friends and plans the day with her mom to include her favorite music, her favorite foods, and multiple opportunities to have diving contests. On the day of the party, there is a thunderstorm. Maria’s mother tells her that they will have to host her birthday party inside because it is not safe to swim in the pool. She asks her daughter if she would prefer to play games or watch a movie at the party. Maria becomes very upset, stating that she wants to swim and dive at her party. Throughout the party, Maria does not have a good time because she did not get to dive.
Because Maria struggled to adapt to the situation, she missed out on the opportunity to connect with her peers at this party. If these situations occur frequently, it can lead to many missed opportunities to connect with others, making it difficult to build and maintain friendships with her peers. Similarly, struggles with flexibility can sometimes appear to others as if the individual only cares about their own desires, such as a situation where plans change to suit someone else’s needs. Although the real struggle is the flexibility, and not the prioritization of others’ needs, children can fail to understand the difference, making maintaining connections difficult.
Sustained attention is the capacity to maintain focus despite boredom, fatigue, or other distractions. When individuals struggle with sustained attention, they can have difficulty engaging in conversations in a distracting environment, if they are in the wrong mood, or if the topic is not interesting to them. Because active listening is such an important part of developing connections and maintaining friendships, peers might feel that an individual who struggles with sustained attention does not care about them or what they have to say. Even when the individual very much cares about their friend, their inability to focus on a conversation can lead to an impression of disinterest in the friendship, the person, or the person’s interests.
Task initiation is the ability to begin tasks and projects without procrastination and complete them in a timely manner, adhering to deadlines. When children struggle with task initiation, it can sometimes lead to them appearing unreliable to their friends. If a child promises they will do their part on a group project or come over to teach their friend guitar and then does not complete the task, the child on the receiving end of the promise is likely to feel frustrated. These actions can lead to the impression that their friend does not care about them or their promises. However, the friend struggling with task initiation likely wants to complete the task, but really cannot. These types of misunderstandings can lead to individuals who struggle with task initiation struggling to make connections and maintain friendships.
These next four Executive Functioning skills are some of the most common for individuals both with ADHD and without to struggle with. They involve the ability to set a goal, make a plan to achieve that goal, understand what’s important to focus on in reaching the goal, setting realistic timelines for achieving the goal and its steps, and persisting, even when it is difficult. When children and teens struggle with these types of skills, it can manifest in their social lives because they might forget commitments they make to their friends, forget information their friends tell them, or become unable to follow through with commitments.
In social settings, these types of struggles can lead to a friend being perceived as unreliable or uninterested in the commitments they make. When children and adolescents are still developing the ability to understand and articulate their needs and feelings, it can be difficult for them to fully explain to their friends that they really do care, but really struggle with planning. The result can be challenges in maintaining relationships with peers.
In this context, metacognition involves self-monitoring and self-evaluation skills. It is the ability to take a step back in a situation and analyze your own actions and reactions, then evaluate those actions. It also involves one’s ability to analyze and evaluate their problem solving skills. When children and teens struggle with metacognition, they are not always able to reflect on their actions and effectively change their behavior. In social situations, they might do or say something that hurts a peer’s feelings. If they then struggle with evaluating their behavior, it will be difficult for them to learn from that mistake and make a different choice in the future. Although this learning is still very possible, it might take longer than it would for a neurotypical peer. The result can be that their peers perceive them as someone who is uncaring or does not want to learn from their actions. This perception can make it difficult for them to form connections with peers or maintain friendships.
While Executive Functioning challenges can create some barriers to developing social skills, children with these challenges can still have active and healthy social lives! There are many strategies and systems that can help support your child to work on both their Executive Functioning and social skills. Children with ADHD and other Executive Functioning difficulties are often very passionate, caring individuals who make great friends. With a little help and support, they can develop the skills they need to have meaningful relationships with their peers.
Executive Functioning challenges can have a big impact on your child’s social skills. While many people think of executive functioning coaching as something focused on academics or a future career, YA Success Coach really prioritizes the whole individual, wanting each child to be the best version of themselves. Coaching involves setting individualized goals that represent the most important growth areas for your child, then developing systems that will support your child’s unique needs. While parent support is essential in supporting the development of these skills, sometimes a professional is necessary to provide an extra push. If you’re interested in learning more about Executive Functioning coaching, contact me today.
Having a conversation is the first step to helping your child realize their full potential and set them up for success!